I did the impossible last night. I went to Joe’s house. We sat there and talked for an hour about literally everything…even about Sean. It seriously was as if we never hurt each other or hated each other. It was amazing. I have missed him. It’s true…I miss him a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. But I couldn’t be more happy with Sean than I was with Joe. It’s just nice that things are smoothed and we can be acquaintances now.
"Well you’re not sure that you love me, but you’re not sure enough to let me go, baby it ain’t fair, you know, to just keep me hangin round. You say you don’t wanna hurt me, don’t wanna see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watchin’ me drown?"
Trying to really keep my head up…it is hard…especially when I constantly have dreams about Joe and I. This past weekend was really nice. I embraced every opportunity to let go. I wish my home church was up here…being around my church family and Pastor Juan really helps. Being so close to the ocean helps. Being so close to TJ (my first pony) helps. Maybe moving back home wouldn’t be terrible after all. But it’s still not going to happen…
As much as I want to see fireworks, I kinda hope it doesn’t stop raining. This was supposed to be “our” holiday….I had so many plans with him being as this is basically my favorite holiday. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Having a rather rough, somber and depressing morning today. I miss Joe some kind of bad. It seems like no matter what I do to keep my mind off him or to make myself happy, I can’t shake the thoughts or memories. I did everything with him. It still just doesn’t make sense why we aren’t together right now. The only thing I can think of is that he just needs a break from relationships period to be selfish. Which is awesome. But he’s so independent, I’m afraid he will never try to come back or find me again. He’s told me before that he is okay being alone. I have tried everything and thought about everything and I can’t rid the fact that my heart aches for him and him alone. There are two or three extremely sweet men standing in front of me, all trying to help me feel happy again, all willing to hold my hand and give me the world, all saying the right things at the right times…..they are all simply amazing guys…….but I’m so blind still. I think I will be for a long time, if not forever or until Joe comes back around…
You never lock the door…I’ve known this forever. So I silently crept into your house and slid onto the couch next to you curled up asleep. Why won’t you use our old bed? I know this was a crazy decision, but something pulled me into your driveway. I needed to see you, to smell you, to feel you. I needed to make sure you were still there. And all that was proven to me was that my heart still explodes and my stomach still reaches my throat when I feel your presence. It’s sickening yet joyful at the same time. There is no doubt about it, no matter how many guys I have tried to spend time with lately, that you are first in my heart and first in my mind. This was getting easier, but then reality hit me. Now it’s difficult all over again…..never ending cycle.
Which is why I stopped at your house in the middle of the night. Why I snuck into your garage and through the kitchen door. Why I tried to secretly lay next to you. Why I woke you up. Why I cried for forty five minutes.
Been dreaming about Joe a lot lately. I miss him some kinda bad. My good week has progressively gotten sad again. Mr. Roper has to shear sheep and last night he couldn’t hang out :( I hate not having many friends up here.
I foresee a night in bed eating ice cream, drinking wine and watching the first season of Pretty Little Liars tonight since it’s on Netflix now.
Definitely considering SC this weekend to see the pony and hopefully two really close friends whom I haven’t seen in over 4 years!
Uggggghhhhhhh just when I start feeling kinda okay, reality slaps me in the face :(
With all the heart break going on, this week has really been pretty good…and the good started last Friday night when I left this town for Darlington. My weekend was really awesome - I love being around my trainer and his wife and I love being able to ride as many times as I’d like and as many horses as I’d like. I love that they don’t have internet and my cell absolutely gets NO service at their farm. It’s a refreshing mini vacation every time I’m there.
I haven’t cried about you in a while…but today I’m just missing you bad. It’s hard to be okay with this and try to move on when I still have such strong feelings for you and care about you. It’s even harder when I’m still having dreams that we’re back together. My brain cannot kick you out no matter how hard I try…I’ve barely thought about you all weekend and yet last night was the most amazing dream ever. This still really hurts and sucks….